So Why Worry…?

‘When you worry about what people may think about any aspect of your being, it’s because you’re worried about it.’

Smack The Pony – Without You

Cute, Ugly, Pretty…Fat

Cave Woman – I don’t know what you were on about, saying that girl was ugly

ME – I never said she was ugly…at all

Cave Woman – Yeah you did, I’m going to check all my messages from you

ME – Well do because I’m 100% I never said she was ugly, in fact I’m sure I said she was cute

Cave Woman – You only said that today because you felt guilty

ME – Ok well I’m sure I said she was pretty the other day, but either way I never said she was ugly

Cave Woman – Yes you did you said she was fat…

ME – That doesn’t mean ugly!

HM1 Stomach Issues

ME – I’ve been hiding here for ages waiting to scare you

HM1 – Yeah I had to go for a shit

ME – Oh yeah HM3 told me you weren’t well

HM1 – Well I’m fine now I’ve been to the toilet 6 times in the last hour.  I didn’t even realise I needed a shit, I only went for a wee and when I turn round it was there…I just thought ‘fuck that was wet’

Lovely

Smack The Pony – Water Bottle

If you are yet to experience the joy that is Smack The Pony you have been missing out…one of my favourite clips

The Slut

HM2 – Does anyone have a dress I could borrow that would be just above the knee?  Just I have about 20 dresses and they all seem to be … well slut length

ME – And you wonder why we call you the slut?

Bowling and School Days

On a bowling trip

Male 1 – Maybe you would be more successful if you actually tried?

HM3 – I really am…I feel my bowling technique sums up my approach to life

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Whilst watching the League Cup final

HM2 – I had a foam football while I was at school

HM3 – Good story

ME – Did you have padded walls as well?

HM3 – No I bet the reverend wouldn’t allow it

HM2 – Actually we just weren’t allow to play ball games inside

Teletubbies, Sex Changes, NHS and Gingers…The Wisdom of Housemates and Beyond

So it has been a little while but I think this will have been worth the wait …

HM1 has a problem with finding certain programs and situations cringeworthy, she particularly struggles with the show ‘Take me Out’ and the shameless comments made by many of the participants, although she will watch with us there will be regular outbursts of screams of ‘Noooo!’ followed by her placing her head in her hands.  She had been at home with her parents a few weekends ago when her brother had walked in on her watching the show when he had commented how much he hated it and how cringeworthy it was.  HM2 then comments…

HM2 – I used to be exactly the same when my brother watched the Telebubbies

[Silence in the room while we all look at her hoping she will expand on this comparison…Nothing.]

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Whilst sat in the lounge

HM3 – Oh my god did you know that ginger one of Sex and the City used to be married with kids and now she’s one of those lesbians

ME – Yes that’s old news

HM3 – OH HAVE YOU SEEN HER GIRLFRIEND, ergh!

ME – One of those lesbians?!

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Prior to going on a night out with housemates, Furby and others…

Furby – I’m not going to know any of the songs tonight, I’m so out of touch with popular culture

ME – You are 24

Furby – Oh yeah

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Whilst actually out…

ME – Furby do you have any lip balm or vaseline or anything?

Furby – No sorry

ME – Why does no one carry these things around anymore

Furby – Because were not inserting anal probes

ME -What?!

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Another lounge based conversation (thinking we should have our own alternative season of ‘The Family‘ – waiting for a call from Channel 4)

ME – This really made me laugh on Kelly Oxford’s blog today…”This is so cool!!!” way to ruin a threesome

Furby – Haha yeah…”This is novel” way to ruin sex

ME – Wasn’t that when you had sex with *****

Furby – NOOOO! it was my first boyfriend

ME – Wasn’t that ruined because he had a penis?

Furby – No i actually really liked him

ME – But he had a penis

Furby – He was my best friend

ME -With a penis

Furby – I need to stop falling for my best friends, what that about? I loved all my best friends at school

ME – That’s because they didn’t have a penis

Furby – They didn’t then, and I’m pretty sure they don’t now

ME – Yes because they were all girls

HM1 – I used to go to school with a girl who had a sex change.  I used to play hockey with her and then she turned up wanting to be called Scott.  She went away over the summer and came back a boy.  I didn’t know if I should call her he/she whatever Lucy or Scott

HM3 – Scott? Surely she should have called herself Luke?

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Furby finally starts ‘making out’ with (her words not mine) new lady friend, who pauses to comment on how nice she smells…Furby’s response

Furby – I said to her “You smell like sun cream” … was that a mistake

ME – Yes

Furby – But I didn’t get chance to say it’s one of my favourite smells

HM2 appears from the kitchen…

HM2 – Can you go to the dentist on the NHS?

Whilst listening to some music…

ME – I love it when the base kicks in on this song

Furby – Who is it?

ME – James Blake

Furby – Is he a tennis player?

ME – Are you being serious?

HM2 – He is an artisit…of the music kind

No short-cuts

‘There are no short-cuts in life or in love, this pain must be felt … the alternative is much worse.  It’s what makes us special, makes us beautiful, what makes us worthy.  The pain of how we love … but that pain is accompanied by something else isn’t it – Hope.  With your pain there is hope, and that is where you are somewhere between agony and optimism and pray. So you are human, you are alive and that is what we have’

I’ll Let You Hold My Hand

Furby this one is just for you….I’ll let you hold my hand but don’t dare touch me anywhere else, in fact can we talk about this??

Bus Journey To Find God…

Whilst on the bus en route to the city, Cave Woman decided to share her views on Goths dress sense

Cave Woman – I mean why do they all wear black? It’s just not flattering

ME – Yes black is

Cave Woman – Not when you wear it like that

She went on to declare that she had been thinking of finding god…

ME – Oh great talk to the atheist why don’t you [points at furby]. I do think it’s really nice to have something to believe in

Cave Woman – Well I met a Vicar the other day and he was just so happy, no one is that happy

Furby – I don’t know a single happy Christian

ME –  I feel we are all making some sweeping generalizations here

Furby – Ok I don’t know any happy lesbian christians.

Cave Woman – He was just so nice, it must be god

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There seemed to be a religious theme running through the week, as over our house Valentines meal we found ourselves engaged in a conversation regarding our beliefs about the after life and reincarnation.  We had all shared our views on what happens when you die..

Me – I’m not sure that I believe there is a heaven and hell but I understand why people would want to believe in them

HM3 – I know, it’s not possible, heaven would be too congested

?!?!?

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The day before my housemates final exam they were coming close to losing their grip on reality…HM3 storms into the lounge where I was sat with HM1 and Cave Woman…

HM3 – I’ve just been watching that Jamie Oliver 30 minute meal thing and he just made pan-fried pizza, you know when you make it in a pan..

ME – Yes thats tends to be why they call it PAN fried

HM3 – hahaoh yeah, well it looked amazing and now my pizza looks pathetic in comparision and I’ve been craving that pizza all day and he has just ruined it for me..

ME – I’m pretty sure your pizza will be just fine

HM3 – Well I don’t know if I should have something else now

Cave Woman – Do they really cook pan-fried pizza in a pan?

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Whilst out on the town last night Furby met herself a new lady friend, we were discussing the meeting this morning..

Furby – Do you know how we got talking in the first place…I told her you had Aspergers

ME – Brilliant

Once Upon A Time There Was A Pregnant Furby

Conversation with Furby…

Furby – I had a dream last night that I was 4 months pregnant because I had drunk sex with a boy and forgot about it.  By the time I’d been to the doctor it was too late to have an abortion.  Woke up in cold sweat.  It was HORRIBLE

ME – This is hilarious.  Let it be a sign…drunk boy sex = pregnancy.  Lesbianism is the only fool-proof contraception.

CCH This One Is For You…

So I have got slightly carried away in finding laughter in the world mainly through the rather comical moments of my housemates and others.  But this blog was initially set up through inspiration of my highly cynical friend CCH….Well following a little reminder from a friend ‘the furby’ I have a little story for you

Check out the story of Jen and Matt … http://themuffatron.tumblr.com/

Now CCH I’m sure there is something about this story that you will find to pick out but I have to say having a friend who had been through a very similar situation and knowing how important the love of her partner was while she was away, I have to say this story brought a little tear to my eye.

So lets just enjoy that one for what it is ♥

My Date For Wednesday Comes In The Form of Dolorean

…and I can’t wait

Twat + Twat = C*nt

More wise words from Cave Woman

‘Well it’s for the best, two twats together and you know what you get then…a c*nt’

Embrace The Love…And Have No Fear

Todays post is somewhat inspired by a friend of mines blog…we shall refer to her as the ‘Welsh One’, in which she discusses her desperation at the British male population, particularly following a holiday in which she encountered a new concept of ‘man’.  This is added to by my somewhat avid viewing of pretty much any offensive American drama…The OC, Greys Anatomy, Private Practice, Greek, Six Feet Under, Dexter, The L-Word, even at a very low point 90210…I have discovered the answer to the problem.

Honestly

This is what it all comes down to, such a simple basic human mechanism that so many of us fail at.  Granted watching these shows would be somewhat dull if we had to spend half our time trying to work out what each character was thinking, yet we do it in our everyday lives.  The fear of honesty, of perhaps putting ourselves out there and the biggest fear – the loss of pride – prevents us, I believe, it achieves much within a relationship.  I can accept like anyone it can be a daunting experience but if you don’t try you never know, if you never give you never get back…. and in reality what do you have to lose?

Now I do very much believe there is a line between over sharing and expressing ones self, and I appreciate that there are some that have difficulties with this area more so that others.  I by no means am suggesting that we should give ourselves away easily however I do believe that there is much happiness to gain from learning the art of self-awareness, understanding yourself and your own feelings and therefore having confidence in them.  In reality what does worrying about what others think get you? Not what you really want, or even what you think you want.

I say we have faith in ourselves and our feelings, we become more open and we do not shame those who have the guts to do so.  You never know what you might find if you open yourself up a little… yes there is always some pain but we all experience it and it is part of life…without it how would be know what was important to us?  So be brave, have faith in yourself and know that whatever happens there will always be some good down the line.  Don’t let people make a fool of you but have no fear of making a fool of yourself…you never know what you are missing  out on.

The greatest thing I have ever learnt is to laugh at myself…..

Homage To My Housemates…

So I walk into the house carrying a heart-shaped balloon, whilst on the phone to 6’4″ and I note HM1 and HM3 sniggering to themselves …

HM3 –  get a knife and burst it

I found this somewhat bitter after the pair of them had spent romantic (or otherwise) weekends with ‘significant others’, and I had offered to cook for us all this evening.  So exclaiming down the phone that I hate my housemates I dumped myself on the sofa next to them and continued my rant about how rubbish they are.  Having put down the phone…

ME – God I need to get some lunch

HM1 – I think you need to go upstairs

[She’s not great at this whole secret keeping melarky…gets too excited]

ME – Oh god is this going to make me feel guilty for saying I hate you

HM1 – Yes

ME – Brilliant

I walk into my room to find a home-made [yes home-made, as in spent time and effort] Valentines card, in which is written some of the cheesiest but really cutest words…so housemates this is my time to say thank you, not only for providing entertainment to me and the masses but for really being a great group of people.

So HM1, 2 and 3 I Love You All…Happy Valentines Day!!!

xxxx

Mopping, Bleaching, Singing and Jehovah Witness

Another little snipped into the daily running of our household began during a TV viewing session..

HM3 – She’s got really skinny arms

Silence [this women is on the larger side of life]

HM3 – You know, for her body

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Whilst sat in the pub having a lovely lunch we found ourselves observing a group of people having some kind of presentation / thank you gift giving session, although we couldn’t work out exactly what they must have done together.  After realising we were all sat watching the same thing (conversation was really flowing)

HM1 – That’s a bit weird

HM3 – They must be Jehovah Witnesses

ME – I’m sorry what?

HM3 – I don’t know

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Deciding to scrub our house from top to bottom we asked if HM3 could pick up a mop for us on her way home (as she had broken the last one in her first mopping experience).   On her return, with requested mop, the following conversation ensued

HM2 – So do you think I should take the bowl out the sink and fill the sink with water?

ME – You could just fill the bowl, it might be easier

HM2 – Yeah….but then it will be dirty

ME – Yes but then you can wash it

HM3 – With bleach

HM2 – Right ok…Silence

I look into the kitchen to see HM2 reading the packaging of the mop in the hope of finding some instructions…

ME – Would you like me to google some instructions for you?!?!

Once finishing her mopping duties HM2 enquired where she may find the bleach, being informed by HM3 that it is probably under the sink with the rest of our cleaning products…

HM2 – Yeah i looked there but couldn’t see it..what colour bottle is it in?

ME – The one that says bleach on the side

HM2 – It really doesn’t

HM1 goes to help her find it

HM2 – Oh no wait it say’s it in really big letters

ME – Bet it say’s it in braille too?!

HM2 – huh! it does.

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On a somewhat busy day after a night of training I enquire if I should bother going to the gym

HM3 – NO!

HM1 – maybe go later on

HM3- NO!

ME – HM3 if I told you I had an obesity related disease and again asked if i should go to the gym what would you say?

HM3 – No, you are dying anyway you might as well enjoy it.

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While getting ready for a night out…

HM1 – Shall I put some funky tunes on for us

ME – Are you going to sing along?

HM1 – Probably

ME – No.

The New Love of My Life….Benjamin Francis Leftwich

The beautiful tones of Benjamin..enjoy

 

 

The Pigeon and The Squirrel

So I spent a good 15/20 minutes just watching a pigeon and a squirrel through my kitchen window.  They weren’t even doing anything of interest, I stood in the arms of my housemate with my head rested on her shoulder gazing out of the window, thoughtlessly.  Even as my housemate released me and headed back to her room, I found myself stood there watching, waiting, as if expecting some rodent/vermin battle off…nothing happen.

I need to get out more

From the Brain of Cave Woman

My favorite recent text from Cave Woman in relation to the end of exams

‘Don’t worry soon they will be over and we can have a spliff, a can of red bull, fish and chips and talk about how anorexic we have become’

Orgasm like Tourettes … I Can’t Stop it

I return to my bedroom to discover this little treat from HM1, when I went to question her about this she stated
HM1- ‘I’ve got problems with organisming’
ME – you mean orgasming?!
HM1- yeah…I used to always get that mixed up…did I spell it wrong
ME – no, but Tourette on the other hand..

What a treat x