Back in the Office

Having returned to the office I am hourly (never mind daily) provided with much entertainment. So many quotes I would love to share, too many, some of which I fear would translate badly if you didn’t know the people and some ‘you had to be there’ moments. So I shall be selective!

As he picks up a toblerone…

Cheese- This is an offensive weapon not a bloody chocolate

……..……………………………………………

Directed at Mullet as he walks out of my office

Boss – Do you have exceptionally large testicles?

Then ensues a brief conversation, upon it’s ending mullet returns to his desk…moments later

Boss – I bet you have an indescribable amount of pubic hair

iTube / YouTunes

Mother – Yes it’s that iTube thing

Lowry – Do you mean YouTube or iTunes?

Mother – Oh yes, one of them

Matthew and The Atlas

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I Love Lamp

Nut sends me this picture with the following message

Nut – Does this look right or is it supposed to be the other way round like a lamp?

Lowry – Lets put it this way, this conversation is going to be on my blog by the end of the day

Nut – Hahahhahahah didn’t think look right

Lowry – Think about it like this-it’s a light shade…what is it shading?! Ps I’ll sort it when I get home!

Bless Frog

Frog – I used to think people said their wedding vowel when they got married…I didn’t realise they were vows

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Frog – Why don’t F1 drivers just listen to their iPod, would be less boring doing all those laps

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When playing the celebrity alphabet game

Frog – Norman Freeman

Everyone….Um do you mean Morgan Freeman?!

The Fighter

Slut – I waited until she wasn’t looking, pulled her hair, kicked her in the calf and ran away

Dirty Dream Number 2

Belle and Sebastian – Dirty Dream Number two, from the album ‘The Boy With The Arab Strap’

 

The Princess

While sat on my knee in the office, receiving a cheeky back massage (she is pregnant and likes to guilt me with ‘but the baby wants it’)…

Princess – would it be ok if I farted?

Lowry – Honestly? Are you really asking me this question?

Princess – At least I asked

Lowry – How about you stand up ad turn away from me

Princess – Don’t worry the moment has passed, I’ve reabsorbed it

Art

What art does is coax us away from the mechanical to the miraculous

– Jeanette Winterson

Her Royal Highness

Upon Her Royal Highness entering Slut’s home and seeing her sister with the Hoover

HRH – Is that your maid?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Upon waking after a night out

Slut – Do you have any water?

HRH – We don’t have water but I can give you tea or coffee

Slut – Surely you must have water if you can make tea

HRH – What? you want tap water?!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

As she pops to get a bottle of Champagne..

HRH – Sorry it’s only Moet

Raver’s Summer Plan

The raver decides in order to get a grip of her life she should make a summer plan consisting of…

1- Be clean (No marker pen)
2- Pluck eyebrows
3- Self maintenance
4- 3 meals a day of solid food
5- Rehydrate with water
6- No alcoholism
7- No drugs
8- Gym
9- Wash clothes
10- Dress less like a jan
11- Get over past jans
12- Find a nice jan
13- Find jobs
14- Save money
15- Sleep 7 hours a night in your own bed
16- Eat fruit
17- Don’t get involved in drama
18- No drunken Facebook / texting / phone calls / Skype
19- No crying
20- Moisturise / no spots
21- Brush the lid

We discussed this while in the pub (where she was drinking) before drinking a vase full of beer, going out, making it home at 4.30am and having well under the specified 7 hours sleep….maybe start tomorrow!

Candy Bar Girls

Lowry – Dude, I’m watching that Candy Bar show – did you see it?

Furby – Haa, no, I haven’t been at home for more than an hour since last Monday! I intend to though, is it awful?

Lowry – To be honest it’s not quite as bad as I imagined..it was a moment of acceptance for me that these are what real lesbians are like and maybe I am one of them and not my own private species of lesbian (Although I am not fully convinced of this)

Furby – Hahaha. I had a moment like that last night…think we’re just gonna have to deal with it

Lowry – But I don’t want to! However if we do maybe we will have a girlfriend that is a) actually suitable and not lacking in interesting conversation b) emotionally stable (ish) c) have an acceptable level of maturity d) not straight

Surf and Turf

From Campus Channel 4

Matt Beer – Trust me, I’ve been inside more women than I have newsagent, think surf and turf

Flatpack – What, is that a sexual thing?

Matt Beer – Um, no.  Women are the sea, the surf, their minds are always shifting, their bodies like the tide are ruled by the pull of the moon.  Now women have

Flatpack – What big nipples?

Matt Beer – Some of them, yeah.  I was thinking more, you know, hidden depths where dark and dangerous things lurk, but in their shallows you’ll be safe

Flatpack – Ok so I’ll just keep it shallow then

Matt Beer – Well I never go in deeper than my knees but if you want more you have to be prepared to venture out of your depths, where in all likelihood you will get sucked down by a vicious undercurrent and get swept out into the endless black ocean of the female psyche, where…sadly you will drown

Flatpack – Fuck

Matt Beer – Yeah

Flatpack – So whats the turf bit?

Matt Beer – Right that’s us, men, thick solid sods of earth that get under your nails, what you see is what you get

Dating

And Then You

‘And then there was you…..And you were there but I was still unsure as to who you were.  I feared the continued contradictions and chose to focus on the parts I liked and made me feel safe.  I never doubted I made you happy, I believe that was clear to see, I doubted if it would ever be enough.  Situations frustrated me, yet I understood that it is life and I have to get on with it’

Beautifully Sad…Little Dragon

Little Dragon – Twice

Beautifully sad

Fish Fry

Deafatron – I just smelt my fingers and they are really fishy

Lowry – lovely

Deafatron – smell my fingers *as they are thrust in HM2’s face*

……

Deafatron – Every time I have a sip of drink I smell fish