Fun Sacks

In relation to her boobs

Smurph – I used to have a handful, now they are just little fun sacks

I Love The Cake

Cavewoman – Co-op had snack sized Crunchie‘s on offer and I ate at least 8 today, how bad is that?

Lowry – Well I just baked a cake with a million calories in it and ate it while watching ‘Obese: one year to save my life’

Question Time….Again!

In reference to the previous video blog ‘Shit straight girls say to lesbians’ I bumped into one of my friends most prone to asking such questions. Upon spending the afternoon together she proceeded to ask me ‘what…well what do you DO?!’. A question she loves to pose and then pull faces at the answer. So in return I asked her many questions about her sex life (to which she answered none!) when a mutual friend pointed out there was no difference in what I was doing she responded with….

‘But Lowry’s had Normal sex’

I love this girl

Prizefighter – The Eels

My hero Mr E supporting an impressive beard!

 

Baffled…

Hubbie – She walks like a lesbian…but isn’t one apparently

Morning After

Nut – My friend messaged me today to say she’s on her way to get the morning after pill. I just think of all the mistakes from drinking, and I was like they are WELL expensive

Lowry – Yeah but I’m pretty sure having a child is more expensive

Nut – Oh that’s true I didn’t think of that.  Condom is even cheaper though!

 

Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

This still causes me a ridiculous amount of joy and laughter

Love Demands Expression

‘Love demands expression.  It will not stay still, stay silent, be modest, be seen and not heard, no.  It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid’

Jeanette Winterson

 

45 Years of Marriage

Dad – I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to have you standing over my shoulder telling me how much better I could be doing it

Moving On…

While on a mock mate-date at new year

Lowry – I can’t believe she is already planning a date with someone else

Furby – You have just made a dildo hat to see how many women you can fit on your head at one time

Lowry – Fair point

Adventureland

If you have not seen this film it is a must….and bask in the glorious 80’s inspired soundtrack

To the Pub

Jelly – It looks like an inbred goblin hole

A Few Special Moments from Slut

Some very special moments from Slut…in relation to bonding with the hockey team

Slut – I used to love shower time it was my favourite

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Slut – Why is nothing I want in the sale?

Lowry – What website are you looking at?

Slut – Mulberry

Lowry – Right

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To the car full of lesbians

Slut – Can we help make a top 5 men list for me because people at work keep asking and I just have to keep coming up with David Beckham from 1998 when I used to fancy boys

Lowry – Ah the old classic, what about Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and for the older man George Clooney…see a whole array of classics, no one will ever suspect

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Still regarding coming out at work and how she is easing them in by telling them she has one gay house mate rather than a house full of gays

Slut – I didn’t tell him I was the only one in the house with a hair dryer

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Slut – If you wake in the night to me poking you just start making sex noises

Lowry – Ok

Edinburgh

On a recent trip to Edinburgh, on a 13 hours drinking social, we found ourselves in an array of random situations…my personal favourite was the meeting of Miranda, a lovely young (?) lady who was a Medieval Studies student (she studied how to make arrows). She was an ‘interesting’ lady to say the least but her lovely high-pitched voice brought much joy to an hour or so of our evening (particularly as she laughed at most my awful jokes)

While discussing the wrongs of tequila shots in particular the suicide shot (snort the salt and squeeze the lime in your eye) she added this to the conversation

‘Once we didn’t have any salt so we just used MDMA‘

As if it were the most obvious solution… Later on as I spent some time ‘getting to know Miranda’ discovering the chap she was out with she had met only moments ago, she wasn’t from Edinburgh, she didn’t know why she was there nor for how long…

Lowry – So where are you from?

Miranda – I don’t know

Followed by a pause and what appeared to be some kind of effort to recall information, needless to say the conversation didn’t last long and I established she was better in a crowd

Later on in our adventures we met a group of Swedish boys who I have to say I think we destroyed, because the ‘be who ever I want to be’ game was far too tempting. During that evening I acquired a group of international sports women as friends, as well as my own world renowned sporting career, 2 children, a need to control my friends ‘inner tiger’, a hate of gays (I know I’m a bad person), an uncontrollable love of men, the loss of 6 years of my life, a birthday party, the knowledge that by dictionary (urban) definition I may in fact be a sex pest… and an array of other lies I have chosen to forget. However here are some of the more wonderful quotes from the trip

Ian (Barman 1) – You can scoop that ALL day

Lowry – I just choked on the unt of cunt

Slut – It was too big to be in my mouth any longer

Gloating Hubbie – I’ve just got sooooo many pound coins at the moment