Compliments

Lowry – did you take a photo?

Princess – yes

Lowry – did I look ugly?

Princess – no but the flash wasn’t on

*lowry chokes on drink while laughing*

Princess – well what I meant was you couldn’t really see your face

Lowry – not helping…

50 Shades…

While watching an advert for ‘one born every minute’ in which they state the baby boom could be linked to the release of 50 Shades of Grey

Princess – ‘Why? does Christian Grey not use a condom?’

Cavewoman had a dream….

Another genius text conversation with cavewoman

CW – I was at work earlier and passed some milking cows and I actually thought-wow it’s so much better to be a milking cow, you get to eat none stop and then someone plays with your boobs in the evening without fail

*moments later*

CW – in fact are udders the equivalent of boobs

Lowry – I do worry. I guess they are more nipple than boob, just really big dangly ones.

CW – like yours

Lowry – I have beautiful nips

CW – Gaybian

Lowry – Homophobe

CW – can’t quibble at that

And off we go back to our days

Because I’m 4 and I can say whatever I like

More special moments from my glorious nephew…

While sat eating a muffin, directs at his uncle:
‘I’m keeping an eye on you’

Sat in the chair opposite me with his legs up on mine:
‘why are your legs so wobbly’….. (probably from all those muffins)
Later followed up with
‘Mummy’s got big wobbly boobs’

Luckily mummy wasn’t there to hear this

After dropping his ball on Nana’s plants:
‘Nana’s very fussy about her garden’

To his mum:
‘how did you grow up before me?’

‘Nana what are these?’
‘those are my marbles’
(at least she knows where they are)

Next birthday I’m going to try saying everything I think…

Polite Housemates

In a discussion regarding living with people you don’t really know…

Flem – but you always have to be polite and say hi when you get home.  This is where I generally fall down.

Lowry – what at the general speaking with others

Flem – yes I find it irritating

Veet For Men … Hilarious Reviews

Some of the funniest reviews I’ve read for a while…

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

A personal favourite…

‘The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing’

Oh darling

At furby’s recent birthday excursions

Father Rog – Furby?

Furby – yes daddy

*Silence in the garden*

Lowry – Daddy? DADDY?!

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Later that evening

Furby – One thing I can always guarantee at my birthday, is that my friends will act out inappropriate sexual positions on my parent bed

This is still amusing to us

Face Licking

Slut – Chumley really wants to lick my face today

Expensive Sex Life

While discussing the use of sex toys…

Anon – It’s just so expensive, I mean you have to buy new ones every time you get a new girlfriend

Misuse of Contraception

Cavewoman – I had to go on a Morning after pill excursion with ‘R’.  We got some free condoms which she proceeded to try and put on her head

Lowry – I think this might be where she is going wrong

Cavewoman – I did suggest this may be the case, but the guy really likes her, he seems really cool i just don’t think he’s chilled enough for her

Lowry – Ah shame It would be so nice if she met a nice guy

Cavewoman – He is really cool but she thinks  the problem is “HE WILL REALLY JUDGE ME IF CHEAT ON HIM”

Fantasia – Brenda Lowry

Images revolve around the mind

Never out of place in present day

Word to fit are sometimes hard to find

Thoughts are often difficult to say

Artist chooses colour to express

Strokes on canvas reproduce the feeling from within

To contemplate the power they possess

The poet finds it hard to begin

Not perhaps the very gifted few

Whose words compare with colour when applied

To brilliance where the accolade is due

And outstanding talent really does abide

Blue portrays somewhat somber tone

But not when painted in as sky

Add some slanting rays from sun’s own throne

And birds complete the picture flying by

Trees of varying shades of restful green

Soothing on the mind and on the eye

Tall and dark or small and bright a joy forever seen

Comparing word with colour one can only hope apply

A garden filled with flowers their perfume fills the air

Rose and primrose purple gold and every hue

A well earned rest in striped garden chair

Drinks with ice and lemon gratefully are due

Beauty in beholder’s eye ’tis said

To savour when in words or artists brush

Fantasy of minds will not be dead

Where colour rules and words are bountiful and lush

Brenda Lowry

Mice, Cheese and PMA

Conversation with Nutt, discussing the merits of positive thinking, particularly while we are on the hunt for new jobs

Lowry – You need to read the book ‘Who Moved My Cheese‘

Nutt – What? ‘Whose Shoes Are These?’

Lowry – Oh golly no, W h o  M o v e d  M y  C H E E S E, it’s about mice

Nutt – What?! What is this book?

Lowry – It’s a metaphor…go with it, only takes an hour to read

Nut – Ok I’ll order it

A while later the following text conversation ensues

Nutt – Just to check is it ‘The Mouse That Moved My Cheese’?

Lowry – You are a knob. ‘Who Moved My Cheese’

Nutt – Oh shit, I just ordered a book called ‘Mouse That Moved My Cheese’….oh no wait maybe I brought the right one

Lowry – Are you actually being serious?

Nutt – I think I need a book called ‘How To Get By On a Daily Basis’

Loving Notes

The parental unit are away for a few days, I return from work to this note:-

‘Lettie (the cat) is catching a lot of mice so may not eat much food. Please keep lounge door closed as I don’t want ‘inards’ in there’

Delightful

 

Wednesday Blues

Lowry -Morning, how you doing?

Colleague – I’m really well thank you, so glad it’s it Thursday, that means it’s nearly Friday…

Lowry -It’s Wednesday

Colleague – Shit!

Born This Way

Nut – I was born middle-aged

Lowry – I was born ready

Frog – I just don’t know what I am

Family Guy

Nut’s mum while watching family guy

‘Why does that man’s chin look like a scrotum?’

 

Working Week

Nut – Oh Lowry I’ve got to work 3 solid weeks after this weekend

Lowry – Oh rubbish, what a nightmare

Nut – Well I get the weekends off

Lowry – THAT IS A  NORMAL WORKING WEEK! Joker

Fun Sacks

In relation to her boobs

Smurph – I used to have a handful, now they are just little fun sacks

I Love The Cake

Cavewoman – Co-op had snack sized Crunchie‘s on offer and I ate at least 8 today, how bad is that?

Lowry – Well I just baked a cake with a million calories in it and ate it while watching ‘Obese: one year to save my life’

Question Time….Again!

In reference to the previous video blog ‘Shit straight girls say to lesbians’ I bumped into one of my friends most prone to asking such questions. Upon spending the afternoon together she proceeded to ask me ‘what…well what do you DO?!’. A question she loves to pose and then pull faces at the answer. So in return I asked her many questions about her sex life (to which she answered none!) when a mutual friend pointed out there was no difference in what I was doing she responded with….

‘But Lowry’s had Normal sex’

I love this girl

Baffled…

Hubbie – She walks like a lesbian…but isn’t one apparently

Morning After

Nut – My friend messaged me today to say she’s on her way to get the morning after pill. I just think of all the mistakes from drinking, and I was like they are WELL expensive

Lowry – Yeah but I’m pretty sure having a child is more expensive

Nut – Oh that’s true I didn’t think of that.  Condom is even cheaper though!

 

Love Demands Expression

‘Love demands expression.  It will not stay still, stay silent, be modest, be seen and not heard, no.  It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid’

Jeanette Winterson

 

45 Years of Marriage

Dad – I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to have you standing over my shoulder telling me how much better I could be doing it

A Few Special Moments from Slut

Some very special moments from Slut…in relation to bonding with the hockey team

Slut – I used to love shower time it was my favourite

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Slut – Why is nothing I want in the sale?

Lowry – What website are you looking at?

Slut – Mulberry

Lowry – Right

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To the car full of lesbians

Slut – Can we help make a top 5 men list for me because people at work keep asking and I just have to keep coming up with David Beckham from 1998 when I used to fancy boys

Lowry – Ah the old classic, what about Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and for the older man George Clooney…see a whole array of classics, no one will ever suspect

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Still regarding coming out at work and how she is easing them in by telling them she has one gay house mate rather than a house full of gays

Slut – I didn’t tell him I was the only one in the house with a hair dryer

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Slut – If you wake in the night to me poking you just start making sex noises

Lowry – Ok