Edinburgh

On a recent trip to Edinburgh, on a 13 hours drinking social, we found ourselves in an array of random situations…my personal favourite was the meeting of Miranda, a lovely young (?) lady who was a Medieval Studies student (she studied how to make arrows). She was an ‘interesting’ lady to say the least but her lovely high-pitched voice brought much joy to an hour or so of our evening (particularly as she laughed at most my awful jokes)

While discussing the wrongs of tequila shots in particular the suicide shot (snort the salt and squeeze the lime in your eye) she added this to the conversation

‘Once we didn’t have any salt so we just used MDMA‘

As if it were the most obvious solution… Later on as I spent some time ‘getting to know Miranda’ discovering the chap she was out with she had met only moments ago, she wasn’t from Edinburgh, she didn’t know why she was there nor for how long…

Lowry – So where are you from?

Miranda – I don’t know

Followed by a pause and what appeared to be some kind of effort to recall information, needless to say the conversation didn’t last long and I established she was better in a crowd

Later on in our adventures we met a group of Swedish boys who I have to say I think we destroyed, because the ‘be who ever I want to be’ game was far too tempting. During that evening I acquired a group of international sports women as friends, as well as my own world renowned sporting career, 2 children, a need to control my friends ‘inner tiger’, a hate of gays (I know I’m a bad person), an uncontrollable love of men, the loss of 6 years of my life, a birthday party, the knowledge that by dictionary (urban) definition I may in fact be a sex pest… and an array of other lies I have chosen to forget. However here are some of the more wonderful quotes from the trip

Ian (Barman 1) – You can scoop that ALL day

Lowry – I just choked on the unt of cunt

Slut – It was too big to be in my mouth any longer

Gloating Hubbie – I’ve just got sooooo many pound coins at the moment

Foo Foo

Fairy – Do you call your fanny a foo foo or just your foo?

Lowry – I like saying vagina, it tends to make people feel uncomfortable or laugh

Fairy – Oh my god yeah..I can’t even say it!

More ‘Wise’ Words From Cavewoman

CW – It’s always great to start a new relationship by imagining someone else when you are having sex

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In relation to Channel 4’s Living with the Amish

CW – I wouldn’t mind the lifestyle but i’d still want to go out on a Friday get totally fucked up and shag someone

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CW – How do ugly people get pregnant and have children?

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The little conversation had while watching ITV’s A Night With Beyonce (the family version!)

CW – Mate, wait for this bit

Lowry – Fuck me

CW – Oh my god

Lowry  – Quick rewind it…REWIND IT!

CW – mmmmmmmm

Lowry – Shit

CW – Can we watch that bit again?

Lowry – YES!

CW – Ergggg

Lowry – Are you drooling?

Lowry – This is insane

CW – She has fat knees like me – she’s brilliant

Lowry – Curving hell

Lowry – Did you see THAT!

CW – Oh gwaddd

CW – Shall we watch it again?

Lowry – alright

Do You Smell That?

While sat in the lounge

Fairy – It’s not good when you think you can smell your own armpit odour

[Pause]

Lowry – No. It’s not.

Fat Head

Cave woman – I’ve got a fat head again, I just looked in the mirror. Why does my weight go to my head

Lowry – I almost fell off the sofa. You do not have a fat head. Besides I look 3 months pregnant again. In fact I’m starting to think I may be pregnant.

CW – Oh god. Maybe have a test

Lowry – I think the fact I’ve had my period and not had sex with a boy for a number of months may reassure me….but it’s hard to admit I’m just fat

CW – It might be hiding in your womb. HAHA I just thought about a front cover for one of those crap magazines ‘Lesbian has baby whilst having a poo and she didn’t know she was pregnant’

Lowry – Oh my god imagine!

CW – I’d piss myself. Literally. Then probably steal your baby

Lowry  – Me too but I’d probably have a weak bladder by then anyway…That will be the follow-up story ‘Lesbian best friend stole the baby I didn’t know I was pregnant with’

CW – Haha then left it in the supermarket because she was too tired to carry it home…

Lowry – Good job I’m not actually pregnant….

Tongue Stabbing

During a conversation regarding a kiss shared with a BEAUTIFUL boy, which had upsettingly thrust me back to the age of 15 and the kiss that had confirmed for me that I’d rather be a lesbian that have to live through (and I was grateful to live through it) more kisses like that

Fairy – I just don’t like someone stabbing their tongue in me

And it’s a fair point, but really can someone explain this need to tickle the back of your throat with their tongue? 15 year old boy I am ready to forgive, but beautiful boy… I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed…

 

Durex Bunny?

Nut – I had another excellent day in work. I informed some customers they needed batteries with their purchase and when they asked what kind we sell in the store as they want ‘quality’ …. I don’t know why these words came out of my mouth but ‘Durex‘ rather than ‘Duracell‘ appeared and I just couldn’t find the word ‘Duracell’ … it was awkward

 

It’s Only a Game Show…

Hilarious answers on game shows

Family Fortunes

Les Dennis: Name a bird with a long neck.
Contestant: Naomi Campbell.

Les Dennis: Name something associated with pigs.
Contestant: The police.

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University Challenge (My Personal Favourite)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

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Beacon Radio (Right up there!)

DJ: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Contestant: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

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Richard and Judy

Richard Madeley: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

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The Weakest Link

Anne Robinson: Complete the title of the well-known play, The Iceman…?
Contestant: Melts.

Anne Robinson: What was the sequel to the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer?
Contestant: I Know What You Did Last Winter.

Presenter: What B was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens?
Contestant: Bart Simpson

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National Lottery

Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

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This Morning

Fern Britton: Which actress starred in Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally?
Contestant: Tom Hanks.

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Late Show

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.

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Blockbuster (A close second!)

Bob Holness: What K is a suicide mission for a pilot?
Contestant: Kama Sutra

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Sara Cox (Radio 1)

Sara Cox: Beauty is in the eye of the…?
Contestant: Tiger.

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Viking FM

Presenter: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
Contestant: George Bush.

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BBC Radio Merseyside (Another favourite)

Presenter: What was Hitler’s first name?
Contestant: Heil.

Keep in Touch

Conversation with the office gossip regarding me leaving…well that is what I was talking about…

Gossip – Well, think of me when you are…doing things….

Lowry – Actually I try my best not to, but feel free to think of me

G – I already do

L – Lovely.  Maybe I’ll give you a little text to let you know what I am up to

G – A picture?

L – Unlikely

G – Do you want my wife’s number?

L – I’m not going to text your wife

G – Why not? She wouldn’t mind

L – Yeah, I’m not going to do that

G – Really, she wouldn’t mind

L – *Silence*

G – OK I’m going to leave, this has got inappropriate

Night Paved with Gold…

HM2 on checking her purse following a night out

HM2 – ‘What was I drinking last night, GOLD?!’

‘Sometimes it strikes me how

poverty and privilege became silent neighbours,

and the world keeps going….

because it has to’

Back in the Office

Having returned to the office I am hourly (never mind daily) provided with much entertainment. So many quotes I would love to share, too many, some of which I fear would translate badly if you didn’t know the people and some ‘you had to be there’ moments. So I shall be selective!

As he picks up a toblerone…

Cheese- This is an offensive weapon not a bloody chocolate

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Directed at Mullet as he walks out of my office

Boss – Do you have exceptionally large testicles?

Then ensues a brief conversation, upon it’s ending mullet returns to his desk…moments later

Boss – I bet you have an indescribable amount of pubic hair

Art

What art does is coax us away from the mechanical to the miraculous

– Jeanette Winterson

Surf and Turf

From Campus Channel 4

Matt Beer – Trust me, I’ve been inside more women than I have newsagent, think surf and turf

Flatpack – What, is that a sexual thing?

Matt Beer – Um, no.  Women are the sea, the surf, their minds are always shifting, their bodies like the tide are ruled by the pull of the moon.  Now women have

Flatpack – What big nipples?

Matt Beer – Some of them, yeah.  I was thinking more, you know, hidden depths where dark and dangerous things lurk, but in their shallows you’ll be safe

Flatpack – Ok so I’ll just keep it shallow then

Matt Beer – Well I never go in deeper than my knees but if you want more you have to be prepared to venture out of your depths, where in all likelihood you will get sucked down by a vicious undercurrent and get swept out into the endless black ocean of the female psyche, where…sadly you will drown

Flatpack – Fuck

Matt Beer – Yeah

Flatpack – So whats the turf bit?

Matt Beer – Right that’s us, men, thick solid sods of earth that get under your nails, what you see is what you get

And Then You

‘And then there was you…..And you were there but I was still unsure as to who you were.  I feared the continued contradictions and chose to focus on the parts I liked and made me feel safe.  I never doubted I made you happy, I believe that was clear to see, I doubted if it would ever be enough.  Situations frustrated me, yet I understood that it is life and I have to get on with it’

Meat Fingers

Peahead – I don’t want pork fingers, I’ve already got beef fingers

Lowry – Fair

“It takes blood and guts to be this

cool

but I’m still just a cliche”

Skin – Skunk Anansie – It Takes Blood and Guts – Paranoid and Sunburnt

Selling For Free

Northern Monkey – They are selling free cans of monster outside

Lowry – You mean they are giving them away

NM – *confused face*

Parental Digs

Text from parents

Dad – As your mum ‘can’t remember’ when you said your exam was this week I’m hoping this is early.  Good Luck as you approach the last couple of hurdles

Me – Thank you! yes you are in plenty of time-it’s on Friday, then Thursday next week.  Bless mum she has a lot of people to keep up with.

Dad – It’s mum here, I did get it right!

Me – Never doubted you

Homage to Jeanette Winterson

‘How did you do it? Write about me having never met me?  I open the pages of the book and what is written are my desires, my dreams, my fantasies…my imagination’

Kitty – Brothers and Sisters

‘The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There’s too much at stake, and life’s too short for lies.’

Kitty – Brothers and Sister – Channel 4

Shakira Shakira

Half way through Zumba class

HM3 – I do not look like Shakira

Broody Millionaire

Quote from this evenings Secret Millionaire Channel 4

‘I never really wanted marriage and children, I have an allergy to children.  There was a period of 10 days in my thirties when I was broody, but I say it’s like flu, I got over it’.

Detox

Me – Day 1 of detox tomorrow

HM3 – What does that mean?

Me – Well I’m cutting out all bad foods and drinks for a week, chocolate, crisps, caffeine…

HM3 – So are you just going to eat water?

Don Draper Meets Frank O’Hara

Man Men’s  Don Draper recites Frank O’Hara‘s Mayakovsky

‘Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting, and modern. The country is grey and brown and white in trees, snows and skies of laughter always diminishing. Less funny, not just darker, not just grey. It may be the coldest day of the year: what does he think of that? I mean, what do I? And if I do, perhaps I am myself again.’