Compliments

Lowry – did you take a photo?

Princess – yes

Lowry – did I look ugly?

Princess – no but the flash wasn’t on

*lowry chokes on drink while laughing*

Princess – well what I meant was you couldn’t really see your face

Lowry – not helping…

Hi Ho Hi Ho it’s off to Kili We Go

Hi all,

So i’ve done it….I’ve started knocking things off my bucket list!

Check out my just giving page to see how I am in the extraordinary position of being able to push myself to achieve new challenges while helping an incredible cause.

http://www.justgiving.com/claire-lowry

Through Elise For Life the aim is to raise £1m for The Christie Hospital, where they carry out ground breaking work in Cancer research, while offering huge amounts of support and treatment to those who find themselves in the position of being diagnosed with this awful disease.

http://www.eliseforlife.org/

http://www.christie.nhs.uk/

Thank You

Polite Housemates

In a discussion regarding living with people you don’t really know…

Flem – but you always have to be polite and say hi when you get home.  This is where I generally fall down.

Lowry – what at the general speaking with others

Flem – yes I find it irritating

Oh darling

At furby’s recent birthday excursions

Father Rog – Furby?

Furby – yes daddy

*Silence in the garden*

Lowry – Daddy? DADDY?!

……………………………………………….….……………………….………………………………………………………
Later that evening

Furby – One thing I can always guarantee at my birthday, is that my friends will act out inappropriate sexual positions on my parent bed

This is still amusing to us

Face Licking

Slut – Chumley really wants to lick my face today

Expensive Sex Life

While discussing the use of sex toys…

Anon – It’s just so expensive, I mean you have to buy new ones every time you get a new girlfriend

Misuse of Contraception

Cavewoman – I had to go on a Morning after pill excursion with ‘R’.  We got some free condoms which she proceeded to try and put on her head

Lowry – I think this might be where she is going wrong

Cavewoman – I did suggest this may be the case, but the guy really likes her, he seems really cool i just don’t think he’s chilled enough for her

Lowry – Ah shame It would be so nice if she met a nice guy

Cavewoman – He is really cool but she thinks  the problem is “HE WILL REALLY JUDGE ME IF CHEAT ON HIM”

Marathon fun run…?!

While discussing her training for the marathon…

E – it was the early mornings and hours of running when I was shattered that was the hardest

Mother Wend – Oh yes I felt just the same when i did the Santa fun run

Mice, Cheese and PMA

Conversation with Nutt, discussing the merits of positive thinking, particularly while we are on the hunt for new jobs

Lowry – You need to read the book ‘Who Moved My Cheese‘

Nutt – What? ‘Whose Shoes Are These?’

Lowry – Oh golly no, W h o  M o v e d  M y  C H E E S E, it’s about mice

Nutt – What?! What is this book?

Lowry – It’s a metaphor…go with it, only takes an hour to read

Nut – Ok I’ll order it

A while later the following text conversation ensues

Nutt – Just to check is it ‘The Mouse That Moved My Cheese’?

Lowry – You are a knob. ‘Who Moved My Cheese’

Nutt – Oh shit, I just ordered a book called ‘Mouse That Moved My Cheese’….oh no wait maybe I brought the right one

Lowry – Are you actually being serious?

Nutt – I think I need a book called ‘How To Get By On a Daily Basis’

Loving Notes

The parental unit are away for a few days, I return from work to this note:-

‘Lettie (the cat) is catching a lot of mice so may not eat much food. Please keep lounge door closed as I don’t want ‘inards’ in there’

Delightful

 

Wednesday Blues

Lowry -Morning, how you doing?

Colleague – I’m really well thank you, so glad it’s it Thursday, that means it’s nearly Friday…

Lowry -It’s Wednesday

Colleague – Shit!

Born This Way

Nut – I was born middle-aged

Lowry – I was born ready

Frog – I just don’t know what I am

Family Guy

Nut’s mum while watching family guy

‘Why does that man’s chin look like a scrotum?’

 

Working Week

Nut – Oh Lowry I’ve got to work 3 solid weeks after this weekend

Lowry – Oh rubbish, what a nightmare

Nut – Well I get the weekends off

Lowry – THAT IS A  NORMAL WORKING WEEK! Joker

Fun Sacks

In relation to her boobs

Smurph – I used to have a handful, now they are just little fun sacks

I Love The Cake

Cavewoman – Co-op had snack sized Crunchie‘s on offer and I ate at least 8 today, how bad is that?

Lowry – Well I just baked a cake with a million calories in it and ate it while watching ‘Obese: one year to save my life’

Question Time….Again!

In reference to the previous video blog ‘Shit straight girls say to lesbians’ I bumped into one of my friends most prone to asking such questions. Upon spending the afternoon together she proceeded to ask me ‘what…well what do you DO?!’. A question she loves to pose and then pull faces at the answer. So in return I asked her many questions about her sex life (to which she answered none!) when a mutual friend pointed out there was no difference in what I was doing she responded with….

‘But Lowry’s had Normal sex’

I love this girl

Morning After

Nut – My friend messaged me today to say she’s on her way to get the morning after pill. I just think of all the mistakes from drinking, and I was like they are WELL expensive

Lowry – Yeah but I’m pretty sure having a child is more expensive

Nut – Oh that’s true I didn’t think of that.  Condom is even cheaper though!

 

Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

This still causes me a ridiculous amount of joy and laughter

45 Years of Marriage

Dad – I wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to have you standing over my shoulder telling me how much better I could be doing it

Adventureland

If you have not seen this film it is a must….and bask in the glorious 80’s inspired soundtrack

A Few Special Moments from Slut

Some very special moments from Slut…in relation to bonding with the hockey team

Slut – I used to love shower time it was my favourite

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Slut – Why is nothing I want in the sale?

Lowry – What website are you looking at?

Slut – Mulberry

Lowry – Right

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

To the car full of lesbians

Slut – Can we help make a top 5 men list for me because people at work keep asking and I just have to keep coming up with David Beckham from 1998 when I used to fancy boys

Lowry – Ah the old classic, what about Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and for the older man George Clooney…see a whole array of classics, no one will ever suspect

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Still regarding coming out at work and how she is easing them in by telling them she has one gay house mate rather than a house full of gays

Slut – I didn’t tell him I was the only one in the house with a hair dryer

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Slut – If you wake in the night to me poking you just start making sex noises

Lowry – Ok

Edinburgh

On a recent trip to Edinburgh, on a 13 hours drinking social, we found ourselves in an array of random situations…my personal favourite was the meeting of Miranda, a lovely young (?) lady who was a Medieval Studies student (she studied how to make arrows). She was an ‘interesting’ lady to say the least but her lovely high-pitched voice brought much joy to an hour or so of our evening (particularly as she laughed at most my awful jokes)

While discussing the wrongs of tequila shots in particular the suicide shot (snort the salt and squeeze the lime in your eye) she added this to the conversation

‘Once we didn’t have any salt so we just used MDMA‘

As if it were the most obvious solution… Later on as I spent some time ‘getting to know Miranda’ discovering the chap she was out with she had met only moments ago, she wasn’t from Edinburgh, she didn’t know why she was there nor for how long…

Lowry – So where are you from?

Miranda – I don’t know

Followed by a pause and what appeared to be some kind of effort to recall information, needless to say the conversation didn’t last long and I established she was better in a crowd

Later on in our adventures we met a group of Swedish boys who I have to say I think we destroyed, because the ‘be who ever I want to be’ game was far too tempting. During that evening I acquired a group of international sports women as friends, as well as my own world renowned sporting career, 2 children, a need to control my friends ‘inner tiger’, a hate of gays (I know I’m a bad person), an uncontrollable love of men, the loss of 6 years of my life, a birthday party, the knowledge that by dictionary (urban) definition I may in fact be a sex pest… and an array of other lies I have chosen to forget. However here are some of the more wonderful quotes from the trip

Ian (Barman 1) – You can scoop that ALL day

Lowry – I just choked on the unt of cunt

Slut – It was too big to be in my mouth any longer

Gloating Hubbie – I’ve just got sooooo many pound coins at the moment

Foo Foo

Fairy – Do you call your fanny a foo foo or just your foo?

Lowry – I like saying vagina, it tends to make people feel uncomfortable or laugh

Fairy – Oh my god yeah..I can’t even say it!

More ‘Wise’ Words From Cavewoman

CW – It’s always great to start a new relationship by imagining someone else when you are having sex

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

In relation to Channel 4’s Living with the Amish

CW – I wouldn’t mind the lifestyle but i’d still want to go out on a Friday get totally fucked up and shag someone

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

CW – How do ugly people get pregnant and have children?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The little conversation had while watching ITV’s A Night With Beyonce (the family version!)

CW – Mate, wait for this bit

Lowry – Fuck me

CW – Oh my god

Lowry  – Quick rewind it…REWIND IT!

CW – mmmmmmmm

Lowry – Shit

CW – Can we watch that bit again?

Lowry – YES!

CW – Ergggg

Lowry – Are you drooling?

Lowry – This is insane

CW – She has fat knees like me – she’s brilliant

Lowry – Curving hell

Lowry – Did you see THAT!

CW – Oh gwaddd

CW – Shall we watch it again?

Lowry – alright