Harsh Truths From 3 Year Olds

Nephew to my Dad

‘How did you get such a fat belly?’

Digits

During a conversation with Furby regarding the fact I have never been to G.A.Y for a night out

Furby – You will have them hanging off each of your digits

Lowry – Lovely.

Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On

To me, to all of us, Grandma has always been there. Such a huge part of our lives, our family traditions.

I found myself lost in thoughts that perhaps I had taken her for granted, but now I understand that it was the comforting familiarity of a person you are entirely content to be around.

Yes I assumed she would be there, because she always was, every Sunday dinner, birthday, wedding, graduation or celebration. She was always there, in some way, to let us know how proud she was of any of our achievements.

She took such an avid interest in all our lives, after all how often does someone ask you about your life and listen with genuine interest, before sharing that interest and pride with others.

Now I want her to know how utterly proud I was that she was mine, our, Grandma

We love you

A Whiter Shade of Pale

Blessed

 

When it comes to struggling to find the words to sum up my feelings about a situation, it seems my favourite author (Jeanette Winterson) has already beautifully expressed the emotion I’m fighting so hard to convey

‘”You’ll get over it…..” it’s the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never lessens. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to’

I was blessed with 3 very different and equally important grandparents all of whom had a hugely positive impact on my life … You are eternally loved and never forgotten xxx

 

Must Be Love

Lowry – Do you think he likes you?

Nut – Well he did ask me out on our lunch break once when we were at school, and he brought me a Curly Wurly because he knew they were my favourite

Lowry – Sorry, he asked you out with a Curly Wurly at school?

Nut – Yes

Lowry – Right, must be love

Lowry – How many years ago was this?

Nut – About 5

Interviewing skills

Alan Carr – Where does this phobia of dogs come from?….  Were you touched by a dog when you were little?

Ageing

While in the supermarket buying alcohol with Peahead

Cashier -*pointing at peahead* you look young *pointing at Lowry* you do not

Lowry – Right, good.

 

 

Diet?

Boss – I’ve lost about 1/2 a stone since I stopped living with her

Grumpy – Well we know what she eats

Boss – An insane amount

Grumpy – A huge amount of shit

Lowry – She has definitely lost weight since I was last here

Grumpy – She does work hard in the gym

Boss – Oh yeah I reckon she’s lost a stone

Grumpy – WHAT? What did she do, chop off a leg?!

This is Your LIFE

Conversation between Gran and Dad

The following conversation occurred between my 94-year-old grandma and my dad

Dad – Do you need anything from the shop?

Gran – Some fresh air…I’ve not been out all week

Dad – Yes you have , I took you to the shops yesterday

Gran *Silence*

Dad – Do you remember?

Gran – I’m bored.

Daughter (Elena Tonra)

It’s Only a Game Show…With Furby

Up to date list of games Furby and I play to pass time, and generally make us feel better about our sad existence

1. Jan or Man

2. Pikey or Dykey

3. Lesbian or Thespian

4. Child or Dwarf

5. Gay or Gangsta

Not a generalisation or stereotype in sight….

Follow @alybo23 – My hero

Stolen from @alybo23 EVERYBODY should follow her:

‘Spent most of the day thinking of ways to remove myself entirely from human interaction. so far i have: dying.’

The Fighter

Slut – I waited until she wasn’t looking, pulled her hair, kicked her in the calf and ran away

Raver’s Summer Plan

The raver decides in order to get a grip of her life she should make a summer plan consisting of…

1- Be clean (No marker pen)
2- Pluck eyebrows
3- Self maintenance
4- 3 meals a day of solid food
5- Rehydrate with water
6- No alcoholism
7- No drugs
8- Gym
9- Wash clothes
10- Dress less like a jan
11- Get over past jans
12- Find a nice jan
13- Find jobs
14- Save money
15- Sleep 7 hours a night in your own bed
16- Eat fruit
17- Don’t get involved in drama
18- No drunken Facebook / texting / phone calls / Skype
19- No crying
20- Moisturise / no spots
21- Brush the lid

We discussed this while in the pub (where she was drinking) before drinking a vase full of beer, going out, making it home at 4.30am and having well under the specified 7 hours sleep….maybe start tomorrow!

Dating

Fish Fry

Deafatron – I just smelt my fingers and they are really fishy

Lowry – lovely

Deafatron – smell my fingers *as they are thrust in HM2’s face*

……

Deafatron – Every time I have a sip of drink I smell fish

Wet Weekend

Mother Hen – I’ve had such a wet weekend, even my waterproof trousers are no longer waterproof

If you find something that makes you happy, do it,

everything else is just background noise

Harsh Reality of Speed Bumps

Cave Woman – I went over a speed bump today and felt my belly fat move.  Instead of dealing with it I decided to just tuck it into my belt

Hell Explained

University of Arizona Chemistry mid term:-

Question – Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

Furby’s ‘your mum’ Rage

Furby – ‘I just read your blog…I’M GOING TO KILL CAVE WOMAN AND HER MINI GIRLFRIEND THAT SHE NAMED AFTER MY MUM’

Cave Woman’s response ‘Hahahahahahhahahaha. Shit that reminds me, I’ve not checked on Pen all day’

Furby’s text to Cave Woman – ‘You fucking cock’

Diet Time?!

I looked at this …..

… And then looked at my stomach, before thinking ‘shit I really shouldn’t be drinking this’

Projectile Vomit at the Wedding

Cave Woman – Dude I am hanging like never before.  I projectile vomited down the stairs at the wedding reception and all over someone’s car.   God I haven’t eaten anything yet, feel like I might vomit again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Cave Woman – Bob just text me and there are loads of people outside our house having a BBQ, slagging off the lesbians at no.6…..We are the lesbians at no.6, how rude!

Me – Get back there and defend your honour