Oh Furby

Furby – So there’s this girl who I have a massive crush on, standard, and she offered to give me a lift to the station tonight.  Obviously I jumped at the chance, and while in the car launched into standard small talk by asking what she does for a living.  ‘I run a personal training business’ she said, and showed me her card with the website on it, ‘you should have a look’.  Instead of responding with something supportive or witty (either would have been appropriate), I came out with ‘nice URL‘. What is wrong with me?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Furby – Most depressing email ever: ‘Diva magazine is now following you on Twitter‘

Lowry – hahahahahahhahahahahahahahjajahajahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahjajahahahahahahahhaa *breath* hahahapapphhhhaanahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha

Furby – Knob

Candy Bar Girls

Lowry – Dude, I’m watching that Candy Bar show – did you see it?

Furby – Haa, no, I haven’t been at home for more than an hour since last Monday! I intend to though, is it awful?

Lowry – To be honest it’s not quite as bad as I imagined..it was a moment of acceptance for me that these are what real lesbians are like and maybe I am one of them and not my own private species of lesbian (Although I am not fully convinced of this)

Furby – Hahaha. I had a moment like that last night…think we’re just gonna have to deal with it

Lowry – But I don’t want to! However if we do maybe we will have a girlfriend that is a) actually suitable and not lacking in interesting conversation b) emotionally stable (ish) c) have an acceptable level of maturity d) not straight

Furby’s ‘your mum’ Rage

Furby – ‘I just read your blog…I’M GOING TO KILL CAVE WOMAN AND HER MINI GIRLFRIEND THAT SHE NAMED AFTER MY MUM’

Cave Woman’s response ‘Hahahahahahhahahaha. Shit that reminds me, I’ve not checked on Pen all day’

Furby’s text to Cave Woman – ‘You fucking cock’

Mini Gay Girlfriend

Cave Woman – Hahaha I have a new app for you called ‘mini gay girlfriend’
I’ve called my mini gf Penny

MOMENTS LATER

CW – Penny is frigid, I’ve given her loads of hugs and kisses and she still won’t go on a date with me. I have to wait a few hours. It’s a lesbian tamagochi pet, I’ll probably forget to feed her and she’ll die

Me – Maybe you are too keen, you can’t kill Penny off.

****A DAY LATER****

Me – I have myself a ‘mini gay girlfriend’ called Florence. She won’t date me…she thinks I’m rushing things. I though that’s what lesbian where in to

CW – Penny is frigid too, although I do get loads of snogs. Surely i should get a date first

Me – Yeah I reckon so. This is kind of true to life

CW – I’m going to try her now

Me – Tap that. Florence told me to try again in a few hours. She’s trying to play it cool

CW – She’s dating me! Woo!

Me – Congrats. You should probably change your Facebook status

Another Day in The Life of A Red Faced Furby

Furby – So there I am on the tube, wedged into my seat on either side by a fat man and pregnant Chinese lady.  I see that we’ve reached my stop, so to give myself ample time to embark, I stand up as it slow.  It’s nearly stopped, so I take the first step towards the door.  Then what happens?  The driver decided he’s not close enough to the end of the platform, so speeds up again with a jerk that causes me to not only lose my balance, but to SIT ON THE LAP OF THE COMPLETE STRANGER OPPOSITE ME. Happy Thursday

ME – A chav just walked passed me wearing a padded headband with her name ‘Danni’ written on, in gold glitter pen.  Anytime work gets hard be grateful that isn’t you.

Spartacus, Dogs, Moles and Tampons

While having a conversation about the TV show Spartacus

HM1 – It is pretty much like porn, everyone is having sex everywhere and all the women have their boobs out all the time

ME – Sounds good

HM3 – There was a lot of man on man action in the one I watched

ME – Where is the women on women?

HM1 – There is one near the end of the season where these two women get it on, you see pretty much everything that happens

ME -Do you really, or did you just look away

HM1 – No! Well you will just have to watch it

HM3 – Have you ever counted how many moles you have? I’ve got 72……Actually that’s not true, I don’t know how many I have.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

While watching The Only Way is Essex..

HM3 -What does ‘dog on heat mean?’ does it mean you are really horny or just that you are hot and a dog?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Prior to a night out we decide everyone should make up a challenge that Furby has to achieve before the end of the night

Friend 1 – Get a boys number written on your chest

Me – Tell someone you would like to have sex with them, but would like to talk it through first

HM1 – Be my own private bar all night

Me – Good idea, maybe I’ll go with that one!

HM3 – Take some bobbles, tampons and lollies, go sit in the toilets and see how much money you can make!

A Quick Game is a Good Game

During a game of disassociation, which does pretty much what is says on the tin, follow a word with a word that can not be associated in any way, players can challenge this …..

Furby – Blackman

Me – Brick

HM2 – CHALLENGE…Blackmen lay bricks

Me – Oh my god it’s just not ok to say that [rant at HM2 ensures informing her I will not stand for her low-level racism]

Furby is crying with laughter, and having regained herself…

Furby – I said BATman not BLACKman!

Teletubbies, Sex Changes, NHS and Gingers…The Wisdom of Housemates and Beyond

So it has been a little while but I think this will have been worth the wait …

HM1 has a problem with finding certain programs and situations cringeworthy, she particularly struggles with the show ‘Take me Out’ and the shameless comments made by many of the participants, although she will watch with us there will be regular outbursts of screams of ‘Noooo!’ followed by her placing her head in her hands.  She had been at home with her parents a few weekends ago when her brother had walked in on her watching the show when he had commented how much he hated it and how cringeworthy it was.  HM2 then comments…

HM2 – I used to be exactly the same when my brother watched the Telebubbies

[Silence in the room while we all look at her hoping she will expand on this comparison…Nothing.]

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Whilst sat in the lounge

HM3 – Oh my god did you know that ginger one of Sex and the City used to be married with kids and now she’s one of those lesbians

ME – Yes that’s old news

HM3 – OH HAVE YOU SEEN HER GIRLFRIEND, ergh!

ME – One of those lesbians?!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Prior to going on a night out with housemates, Furby and others…

Furby – I’m not going to know any of the songs tonight, I’m so out of touch with popular culture

ME – You are 24

Furby – Oh yeah

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Whilst actually out…

ME – Furby do you have any lip balm or vaseline or anything?

Furby – No sorry

ME – Why does no one carry these things around anymore

Furby – Because were not inserting anal probes

ME -What?!

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Another lounge based conversation (thinking we should have our own alternative season of ‘The Family‘ – waiting for a call from Channel 4)

ME – This really made me laugh on Kelly Oxford’s blog today…”This is so cool!!!” way to ruin a threesome

Furby – Haha yeah…”This is novel” way to ruin sex

ME – Wasn’t that when you had sex with *****

Furby – NOOOO! it was my first boyfriend

ME – Wasn’t that ruined because he had a penis?

Furby – No i actually really liked him

ME – But he had a penis

Furby – He was my best friend

ME -With a penis

Furby – I need to stop falling for my best friends, what that about? I loved all my best friends at school

ME – That’s because they didn’t have a penis

Furby – They didn’t then, and I’m pretty sure they don’t now

ME – Yes because they were all girls

HM1 – I used to go to school with a girl who had a sex change.  I used to play hockey with her and then she turned up wanting to be called Scott.  She went away over the summer and came back a boy.  I didn’t know if I should call her he/she whatever Lucy or Scott

HM3 – Scott? Surely she should have called herself Luke?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Furby finally starts ‘making out’ with (her words not mine) new lady friend, who pauses to comment on how nice she smells…Furby’s response

Furby – I said to her “You smell like sun cream” … was that a mistake

ME – Yes

Furby – But I didn’t get chance to say it’s one of my favourite smells

HM2 appears from the kitchen…

HM2 – Can you go to the dentist on the NHS?

Whilst listening to some music…

ME – I love it when the base kicks in on this song

Furby – Who is it?

ME – James Blake

Furby – Is he a tennis player?

ME – Are you being serious?

HM2 – He is an artisit…of the music kind

Bus Journey To Find God…

Whilst on the bus en route to the city, Cave Woman decided to share her views on Goths dress sense

Cave Woman – I mean why do they all wear black? It’s just not flattering

ME – Yes black is

Cave Woman – Not when you wear it like that

She went on to declare that she had been thinking of finding god…

ME – Oh great talk to the atheist why don’t you [points at furby]. I do think it’s really nice to have something to believe in

Cave Woman – Well I met a Vicar the other day and he was just so happy, no one is that happy

Furby – I don’t know a single happy Christian

ME –  I feel we are all making some sweeping generalizations here

Furby – Ok I don’t know any happy lesbian christians.

Cave Woman – He was just so nice, it must be god

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

There seemed to be a religious theme running through the week, as over our house Valentines meal we found ourselves engaged in a conversation regarding our beliefs about the after life and reincarnation.  We had all shared our views on what happens when you die..

Me – I’m not sure that I believe there is a heaven and hell but I understand why people would want to believe in them

HM3 – I know, it’s not possible, heaven would be too congested

?!?!?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The day before my housemates final exam they were coming close to losing their grip on reality…HM3 storms into the lounge where I was sat with HM1 and Cave Woman…

HM3 – I’ve just been watching that Jamie Oliver 30 minute meal thing and he just made pan-fried pizza, you know when you make it in a pan..

ME – Yes thats tends to be why they call it PAN fried

HM3 – hahaoh yeah, well it looked amazing and now my pizza looks pathetic in comparision and I’ve been craving that pizza all day and he has just ruined it for me..

ME – I’m pretty sure your pizza will be just fine

HM3 – Well I don’t know if I should have something else now

Cave Woman – Do they really cook pan-fried pizza in a pan?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Whilst out on the town last night Furby met herself a new lady friend, we were discussing the meeting this morning..

Furby – Do you know how we got talking in the first place…I told her you had Aspergers

ME – Brilliant

Once Upon A Time There Was A Pregnant Furby

Conversation with Furby…

Furby – I had a dream last night that I was 4 months pregnant because I had drunk sex with a boy and forgot about it.  By the time I’d been to the doctor it was too late to have an abortion.  Woke up in cold sweat.  It was HORRIBLE

ME – This is hilarious.  Let it be a sign…drunk boy sex = pregnancy.  Lesbianism is the only fool-proof contraception.

CCH This One Is For You…

So I have got slightly carried away in finding laughter in the world mainly through the rather comical moments of my housemates and others.  But this blog was initially set up through inspiration of my highly cynical friend CCH….Well following a little reminder from a friend ‘the furby’ I have a little story for you

Check out the story of Jen and Matt … http://themuffatron.tumblr.com/

Now CCH I’m sure there is something about this story that you will find to pick out but I have to say having a friend who had been through a very similar situation and knowing how important the love of her partner was while she was away, I have to say this story brought a little tear to my eye.

So lets just enjoy that one for what it is ♥